On Impostor Syndrome, Self Belief and Agency

Note: this was originally written at an airport lobby as I departed for my holidays on Friday June 12th. This is my May blog post. Yes, I know I am way behind schedule.

It is an exciting time at CJA, a lot of things are happening simultaneously. Lots of exciting challenges lie ahead.

There is a TV show called “Reservation Dogs”, I don’t remember the character who said it but there is a quote:

“I have mixed feelings about my feelings”

I am looking forward to my vacation and getting away from the daily grind, but also feel this might not have been the best time (it is possible there is no best time). I am going to miss the experience of working on a lot of exciting problems and contributing to their problem solving.

A few months ago somebody said while discussing impostor syndrome that they were intimidated to talk to me because they think I am too smart and that they think they are stupid.

I personally think I am an idiot. I some times think anything I touch is bound to go wrong, catch fire or explode.

Because I think I am an idiot, I was uncomfortable in the early days when Mohsin, Hyder, Zain, or Tiham would publicly recognize me. Now I don’t think they are idiots, these are smart people. So I trust their judgement and accept that I am somewhat smart.

In ancient Rome, whenever a general led Roman forces to victory, he would get a parade. It was called a triumph. During a triumph behind the victorious general would stand a slave. While everyone was clapping and cheering, the slave would repeat the phrase “Memento Mori”. It means “Remember that you have to die”.

It is a lesson in humility. Past successes doesn’t guarantee future successes. We are all smart people since we have university education or are pursuing it. But we are not geniuses.

That is why we need to work together. Communicate. Collaborate.

But each and everyone of us should have the self belief that we have what it takes to make a difference on an individual level.

You should communicate and collaborate but also need to believe that you have what it takes to identify and solve problem yourself.

You don’t need Mohsin, Zain, Badar, Hyder, Ammar, Daniyal or Bilal Z.

I have recently started playing a very violent video game called Doom: Eternal.

In it you play as doom slayer. A man too angry to die on a mission to single-handedly kill all demons in hell.

The game starts with these words:

King Novik: Against all the evil that Hell can conjure, all the wickedness that mankind can produce, we will send unto them… only you. Rip and tear, until it is done.

We all have agency to make a difference.

Rip and tear. Until it is done.